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Reps

[This is a pilot TV episode I wrote to enter a comp. It’s my husband’s idea so my heart wasn’t in this one, and it’s meant to be a drama/comedy but the gag ratio is too low (and the gags are not funny really either). I spent a week prepping this one structurally so I hope it moves along better than other things I have written. Again with this one, nothing much happens and I think that is one of my major weaknesses I’m more interested in inner worlds than big events yet find this hard to convey on the page.]

Reps
Pilot: ‘Training’

Kateliliblog@gmail.com

INT. JAIME’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Cuddled up together in bed after sex is JAIME, 26, a lanky
lad, a bit of a daydreamer, and EMMA, 26, short, hardy, a
doer. Jaime’s looking for jobs on his phone.
EMMA
They’ve got noro-virus on D1.
JAIME
(distracted)
Mm-hm.
EMMA
Do you ever wonder what you’ll be
doing in ten years?
JAIME
What?
EMMA
Never mind. How was work today?
JAIME
Usual, you know.
Jaime (naked) gets up to go to the bathroom. A wonky marker
drawn moustached face on his arse cheeks clearly visible as
he walks. Shuts the bathroom door.
EMMA
Jaime?
JAIME
Yeah?
EMMA
Why is there a cartoon drawing of
Hitler on your arse?
INT. CALL CENTRE – DAY
Jaime jauntily walks through the call centre to his seat, hi-fives his CO-WORKER swivels in his chair as he sits down and
pops on his head set and makes his first call.
JAIME
Hello Mrs Ferris and how’s your
cheeky self on this fine Tuesday
morning?
(MORE)
JAIME (CONT’D)
2.
My name’s Jaime and I’m calling on
behalf of…sorry, yep Mrs Felvis
that’s what I meant like pelvis but
with an F! Mrs Felvis…Ms, sorry,
have you ever thought about the
money you could save just by
switching your energy provider?
The customer hangs up (usual). Jaime’s BOSS (46, Polish,
moustache) comes out of a little boxy office to call acrossBOSS
Jaime.
Boss gestures for Jaime to come to his office. Jaime raises
his eyebrows at his co-worker as he stands up.
INT. HOSPITAL, CORRIDOR – DAY
Emma, with her hair pinned up, walks briskly along the
corridor on her way to begin her shift as an auxiliary nurse.
INT. HOSPITAL, STAFF ROOM – DAY
Emma is stuffing her rucksack into a locker. She takes her
phone from her coat pocket to put it in her bag and sees the
pharmacy branded paper bag that is in there. Shoving the
thought aside she shuts the locker.
INT. CALL CENTRE, CUBICLE OFFICE – DAY
Jaime and his boss sit opposite one another across a table.
There is a white board on the wall. The cubicle office and
the sparse furniture within is shabby and cheap.
BOSS
(Polish accent)
Late again Jaime.
JAIME
I know but my car is still fu…
He catches himself about to say ‘fucked’ and gathers himself
just in time.
JAIME (CONT’D)
…firmly stuck at the garage.
BOSS
Your trial has finished. We can’t
offer you a permanent placement.
JAIME (CONT’D)
2.
3.
JAIME
You’re kidding me. You’re joke-this
is a joke right? I was top of the
leader-board all last week. Fuck’s
sake.
BOSS
(bristling at the swear)
It’s not good enough.
Jaime, resignation setting in, opens the cubicle office door
to leave but on second thought goes back in – the call centre
floor has fallen quiet.
Without thinking about it, Jaime drops his pants and slaps
his bare arse cheeks.
JAIME
Not good enough?
Jaime waddles bent over to the whiteboard passing the boss in
close proximity to grab a marker.
He does his best to draw a face on his arse with a moustache
then moves his cheeks as if his arse is talking and in a
mocking accent…
JAIME (CONT’D)
‘It’s just not good enough.’
Jaime pulls his pants up.
JAIME (CONT’D)
You know where you can stick your
shitty little job don’t you.
Jaime walks out of the cubicle office backwards while
sticking his fingers up at the Boss.
The Boss watches on in bored disapproval.
INT. CALL CENTRE – DAY
Jaime saunters across the call centre toward the lift waving
as if walking out on stage to his audience. The rest of the
STAFF cheer and give a standing ovation.
INT. BUS – DAY
JAIME is on a packed bus updating his C.V. on a job website
via his phone. The PERSON behind him (obese, sweaty, jogging
bottoms, unkempt) coughs. Jaime wipes flecks of spit off the
screen with his thumb.
3.
4.
He gives the person a death glare. The person is nonplussed.
INT. HOSPITAL, WARD – DAY
Emma is cheerily tidying around a PATIENT’s (elderly) bed
whilst they eat their breakfast.
EMMA
See, the thing is, he keeps saying
he wants to make something of
himself but he does himself no
favours.
The patient is trying to finish their toast quickly.
EMMA (CONT’D)
I mean yeah I wipe a lot of arses.
The patient splutters.
EMMA (CONT’D)
(removing the plate of
toast)
He was the most popular boy at
school. ‘Course he didn’t look at
me twice back then.
The patient gestures to the side of their bed, still chewing.
Emma takes this as an invitation and sits down in the chair.
EMMA (CONT’D)
(sighing dejectedly)
Maybe it’s time to call it a day.
The patient is furiously gesturing to the side of the bed.
PATIENT
(gulps)
My catheter!
INT. THE KING’S HEAD – DAY
Jaime’s mum’s sawdust pub. Jaime is working behind the bar
for his mum JEN, she’s in her 50’s, overweight though it
doesn’t slow her down. Jen is unloading the dishwasher.
JEN
Run upstairs and grab me that bag
will you Jaim’? Grey one. In the
kitchen.
Jaime runs upstairs, Jen calls after him4.
5.
JEN (CONT’D)
It’s a new nightie and slippers for
nan. You know what she’s like,
doesn’t want the doctors thinking
she’s only got the one.
Jaime’s best friend SEAN, also 26, Scottish, large hands,
dark hair, walks in and sits at the end of the bar.
JEN (CONT’D)
Hiya Sean love, you alright? How’s
your mum doing?
SEAN
Alright, but she’s still referring
to him as ‘the bastard’.
JEN
Can’t blame her love can you.
Jaime runs back down and hands Jen the bag. Jen pecks him on
the cheek.
JEN (CONT’D)
I’d better go before I miss
visiting.
JAIME
Don’t worry mum I’m here anyway.
SEAN
See you later Jen.
Jen leaves.
JAIME
(To Sean)
Pint?
Sean nods, Jaime starts pouring 2 pints of lager.
JAIME (CONT’D)
Earlies is it?
SEAN
Aye. They’re always taking on mind.
JAIME
With Emma’s shifts we’d never see
each other.
SEAN
It’s boring as shit too to be fair.
5.
6.
JAIME
Well there is that. Spoken to your
dad?
SEAN
He’s moved in with him.
A BARFLY sitting at the bar gestures for another pint. Jaime
takes his glass and starts pouring an ale.
JAIME
(to Sean)
Oh mate.
SEAN
It’s more weird than anything. I
‘spose you just assume, I mean your
mum and dad are just always
together you know?
Jaime shoots him an incredulous look.
SEAN (CONT’D)
You know what I mean.
JAIME
Do you remember Sienna from school?
Sean does a grabbing boobs motion on himself.
SEAN
With the big…hair?
JAIME
Yeah that’s her. Her brother moved
to London – got a job in sales.
SEAN
Aye. Dickhead he was.
JAIME
Yeah, proper dickhead.
Heavy air as they both sip their pints.
SEAN
Well come on then lad! Go get your
laptop!
BARFLY
Every accomplishment starts with
the decision to try.
6.
7.
Jaime and Sean react as if they’ve never heard this man speak
before.
BARFLY (CONT’D)
(shrugs)
J.F.K.
INT. INTERVIEW ROOM. – DAY
(time speed scene) Jaime, sharp suit and shoes, dressed for
an interview comes in and shakes AN INTERVIEWER’S hand. Sits
on a chair, alert, interested, enthused.
A changing troop of INTERVIEWERS passes before him in a blur
as his composure slowly changes to slumped, resigned, weary.
Jaime, now in a completely different posture to when he
walked in shakes hands with another INTERVIEWER to end the
interview.
INT. JAIME’S BEDROOM – DAY
Jaime is sprawled on his bed watching T.V. Emma is on his
laptop.
EMMA
What do you reckon of this
midwifery degree?
JAIME
Go for it, yeah.
EMMA
It’s three years but you get
student loans.
The laptop pings at the same time as Jaime’s phone. Emma
reads the email faster than Jaime.
EMMA (CONT’D)
Interview Monday Jaim’! Flipping
heck this sounds amazing well done!
What about the degree?
Jaime reads the email slowly on his phone, shocked.
EMMA (CONT’D)
You didn’t lie? Jaime that’s fraud!
7.
8.
JAIME
Me and Sean had a couple, I fired
off my C.V. to a load on that job
site. Wait, London?
EXT. HEAD OFFICE – DAY
IAN 39, worn, ex rocker poured into a suit, sits smoking.
Jaime joins him in the smoking area to vape and check over
his notes for interview.
IAN
Don’t mind me I’m hanging out my
arse.
JAIME
Right.
IAN
Interview?
JAIME
That’s right yeah. I’m justJaime nods toward his papers obviously irritated. Ian stubs
out his cigarette and leaves.
INT. HEAD OFFICE – DAY
Jaime is performing a maths test on a computer in a room full
of other interview candidates.
SIAN is well dressed, slim, British-Indian, business-like,
she steps out of an office to call Jaime in to interview.
SIAN
Jaime Taylor?
Jaime removes his headphones and follows Sian into an
adjoining room.
INT. INTERVIEW ROOM – DAY
Ian stands up from the desk and shakes Jaime’s hand and winks
as he does so.
IAN
Hi Jaime I’m Ian, I’m the national
sales manager for the U.K. and this
is our HR manager, Sian.
SIAN
Hi Jaime. Please sit down.
8.
9.
Jaime’s confident composure is only momentarily shaken. They
all take a seat.
INT. HOSPITAL WARD – DAY
Emma is walking to the sluice room with a full bed pan tray.
She looks nauseous. As she gets into the sluice room she’s
looking for somewhere to throw up. Unstoppable, she vomits
into the already full bed pan tray.
Absolutely disgusted she puts the whole thing quickly into
the waste machine and runs out to the toilet.
INT. INTERVIEW ROOM – DAY
The interview is over. Jaime is looking confident. It’s
wrapping up. Jaime shakes hands with each of them as he
leaves.
INT. THE KING’S HEAD – NIGHT
It’s a lively night in the pub. There is a band on. Jen is up
dancing. Jaime is sat with Sean. Jen gets up to speak on the
microphone.
JEN
I hope you’re all having a great
night.
The CROWD cheers. Emma walks in, still in uniform.
JEN (CONT’D)
We’re celebrating in the Taylor
household tonight because my baby
Jaime has got some good news. C’mon
up here Jaim’ c’mon.
Jen gestures to Jaime to join her on stage but he refuses.
JEN (CONT’D)
Oh well I’m not shy about it. He’s
only gone and got himself a posh
new sales job in London!
The crowd cheers again, a few people raise their glass to
Jaime, the band starts playing again. Emma looks over to
Jaime, hurt, and goes back out.
EXT. THE KING’S HEAD – NIGHT
Jaime has followed Emma outside.
9.
10.
JAIME
Em’s I was going to tell you
tonight.
EMMA
So what does this mean, are you
moving?
JAIME
Don’t be daft. Come here.
Jaime hugs Emma and kisses her on the head.
EMMA
I wouldn’t kiss me, honestly. I
need to get out of this uniform. I
just came straight from work
because I wanted to talk to you.
She hesitates.
JAIME
About?
EMMA
I don’t know Jaim’ can you really
say you’re happy?
JAIME
What, with life in general or what?
EMMA
With us.
JAIME
Are you saying you’re not?
EMMA
Oh I don’t know. I’m going home.
I’ll ring you later.
Emma walks off. Jaime thinks about following but then turns
and goes back inside the pub instead.
INT. HEAD OFFICE – DAY
Jaime is in product training with a GROUP of other new
recruits. In a boardroom, Ian is presenting.
10.
11.
IAN
If watching young women playing
with old men’s cocks is something
that gets your rocks off then
you’re in luck WELCOME TO LIFE AS A
UROLOGY REP!
Some jeering from the group.
IAN (CONT’D)
Gemma we all know you love it.
A pen comes flying at his head.
But seriously -because I have to be
serious or Sian wraps my knucklesafter your training you’ll all be
out on the road like mini baby
groots working with nurses and
clinicians and our awesome Premier
Health products
Cheers and whoops from the group.
IAN (CONT’D)
…which means you need to know the
features and
Ian waves his arms in the gesture that elicits reaction. Some
of the group respond loudly.
GROUP
Benefits!
IAN
Features and benefits. We start our
whimsical journey through the world
of urology with an old faithful-the
male catheter. And don’t forget
folks, time will come when the
lovely nurses will be helping us
all with our own sheaths and
catheters and I for one would like
them to be using the best on the
market.
EXT. FIELD – DAY
Paintballing. Team building. Ian and Jaime are crouched down
behind an obstacle. Fully Suited up in paintballing attire –
mid battle.
11.
12.
IAN
Trust me don’t even give it, her –
Emma was it?
JAIME
Emma yeah.
IAN
Don’t give her a second thought.
You’re going to be neck deep in
nurses from next week. Trust me.And
Don’t go easy on the girls today
just because you’re feeling weepy.
They’re vicious!
Ian jumps up and starts shooting. Jaime follows.
Out of nowhere they get bombarded from behind. It’s GEMMA
she’s 24, bobbed dark hair, strong, fit, attractive. She’s
relentlessly shooting at them. Ian and Jaime retreat.
INT. HOSPITAL, WARD – DAY
Emma and a STUDENT NURSE are making up a bed together.
EMMA
So you’re on the bank as well?
Student nurse nods.
EMMA (CONT’D)
I wouldn’t want to be skint.
STUDENT NURSE
I get a loan too, for my tuition.
EMMA
Yeah. I’m not sure if it would just
be like working, but for free, you
know?
STUDENT NURSE
I’ve had some great placements
though. Before this I was on a
surgical ward. Get some really
gross stuff on surgical. I loved
it. It’s a bit boring here really,
easy though isn’t it.
Emma throws a sheet into the linen bin.
EMMA
(no longer friendly)
Don’t forget to change your gloves.
12.
13.
INT. HEAD OFFICE – DAY
Jaime and Gemma are picking up their company laptops and new
phones with Sian.
JAIME
Bit of an upgrade.
GEMMA
For you maybe.
SIAN
You’ve put in your forms for your
company credit card?
JAIME
(enthusiastically)
Yeah.
Gemma, nonchalant, nods.
SIAN
Have you both had the car list?
JAIME
Mine came a few days ago. It’s
mint. You’re still waiting on yours
aren’t you Gem?
Gemma narrows her eyes at him.
GEMMA
(to Sian)
It’s going to be delivered in time
for me to start calls next week.
SIAN
Good, well you’re both almost all
sorted then just need head over to
I.T.
EXT. HEAD OFFICE – DAY
Ian and Jaime are in the smoking area. Ian is smoking Jaime
vapes.
IAN
Got your car sorted?
JAIME
Yeah, amazing mate.
13.
14.
IAN
What did you get?
JAIME
Had to be the BM mate didn’t it.
IAN
Nice choice.
Gemma walks into the smoking area. She’s vaping too.
IAN (CONT’D)
(to Gemma)
Oh another cloud sucker then.
GEMMA
I just tried one of our catheters.
Ian and Jaime exchange a bemused glance.
IAN
Why would you…
GEMMA
Bit horny now like.
Ian and Jaime burst into laughter.
EXT. HEAD OFFICE – DAY
Ian, Jaime, and Gemma are all walking back indoors together.
Jaime’s phone rings.
JAIME
It’s my mum.
He answers while simultaneously gesturing to the others he’ll
be 2 minutes. Ian and Gemma go on ahead.
JAIME (CONT’D)
Alright mum?
JEN (O.S.)
It’s your nan. I Didn’t want to
bother you but I think you need to,
can you come home Jaim’?
INT. JAIME’S CAR – DAY
Jaime is driving home in his new car. He puts it into sport,
gives it some welly, laughs to himself. He’s thinking
‘somebody pinch me.’
14.
15.
EXT. HOSPITAL CAR PARK – DAY
Jaime’s parking his new car. He gets out, walking towards the
hospital while looking on his phone.
Emma gets out of her car as he walks past it. They are
surprised to see each other.
EMMA
Nice car!
JAIME
Emma. Hi. Oh yeah, thanks.
EMMA
Jaim’ we really need to talk.
JAIME
(flustered)
I know, yeah we do but it’s my nan
that’s why I’m…
EMMA
Oh God, course, which ward is she
on? I’ll walk up with you, I’m on
my way in.
JAIME
That’d be great thanks, I’m just
trying to find it on my
texts…umm…D2.
EMMA
(Gesturing toward phone)
Bit of an upgrade!
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR – DAY
Jaime and Emma round the corner. They see Jen standing
sobbing in the corridor just outside a private room.
Emma holds back as Jaime rushes to hug Jen. Jaime kisses the
top of Jen’s head as she sobs. Emma walks away.
INT. HEAD OFFICE – DAY
The new recruits are being given a tour around the clinical
suites. This is where new surgical Premier Health products
are trialled on cadavers by registrar’s completing their
training.
They have plastic gowns on and overshoes and surgical masks.
15.
16.
GEMMA
(walking past Jaime)
That’s really doing it for me.
Ian comes over, surgical mask hanging off one ear. Pats Jaime
on the shoulder.
IAN
How’s your mum holding up mate?
JAIME
She cried for two days and now
she’s just getting on with it.
A clinician opens a big freezer which is full of body parts,
legs, arms, to show a small group of people.
IAN
If it gets a bit much at home just
stay in the hotel here on the
weekend, that’s what I do. I’ll
sign it off for you.
Ian absent mindedly picks up a model of a penis with a
catheter attached.
JAIME
Thanks mate.
IAN
Are you O.K? I can’t tell with the
mask.
JAIME
Yeah I’m alright. (beat) Just
wondering when you’re going to stop
fondling that cock.
Ian kisses the model before replacing it on the shelf all the
while staring at Jaime.
INT. THE KING’S HEAD – NIGHT
The pub is busy. Jen is serving on the bar with another
WOMAN. Her phone rings she doesn’t see it. We see the phone
screen – missed calls from Emma.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
The new team are celebrating their end of training with a
curry. Ian is giving a toast at the table, he’s a bit drunk
already.
16.
17.
IAN
You’ve all been brilliant these
last few weeks. You’ve gone from
baby groots on that first day you
were so tiny and wide eyed to
spreading your branches and gaining
confidence. A bit too confident
mentioning no names, Gemma, I’m
still bruised from paintballing.
GEMMA
You love it.
IAN
But honestly, I can’t wait to get
out on the road with every single
one of you and watch you smash it!
Cheers and clapping from around the table.
INT. THE KING’S HEAD – NIGHT
Jen’s phone ringing again, she sees it, answers it then goes
off to the side of the bar to speak to Emma.
JEN
Hiya love, what’s going on? Is
Jaime alright?
INT. EMMA’S FLAT – NIGHT
Emma is sat on the closed toilet seat on the phone to Jen.
EMMA
I haven’t seen him. That’s why I’m
ringing you. Could You tell him
when you see him [heavy pause] I’m
pregnant.
EXT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Jaime is outside vaping. Gemma comes outside to join him.
GEMMA
What’s he like. Ian.
Jaime just sort of raises his eyebrows not really conveying
much.
GEMMA (CONT’D)
I can’t wait to start shadowing
next week. Earning my own
commission. How’s the car?
17.
18.
JAIME
It’s a beast. Has yours come yet?
GEMMA
Yeah, it’s awesome. I got the BM
same model as yours. My boyfriend
was spitting feathers. Well ex
boyfriend. Just waiting for the
flat to sell.
A small comfortable silence while they smoke.
Jaime’s phone peeps and he notices missed calls from Emma. A
text: ‘I’m pregnant’. Jaime goes white.
GEMMA (CONT’D)
You O.K?
JAIME
Yeah, well no, well. It’s my ex.
She says she’s pregnant.
INT. THE KING’S HEAD – DAY
Jaime is working behind the bar. Sean is sat at the bar.
SEAN
I’m just wondering, how many model
penises did you have to play with
to get that car out there?
JAIME
And vagina’s.
SEAN
Oh! Well that makes it alright
then!
JAIME
Piss off.
SEAN
I’ve just been hanging round here
waiting for your return from the
big city with tales of nursing
homes and penile sheaths.
JAIME
Well I don’t have any. Yet. I go
out next week. How’s things with
your dad?
18.
19.
SEAN
O.K. He bought me breakfast last
week. I’m getting used to it. My
mam still hates him though. What
about you and Emma? Have you seen
her yet?
JAIME
No.
SEAN
Mate.
JAIME
I haven’t had five minutes.
SEAN
You’ve gotta go over there.
JAIME
She rang my mum.
SEAN
I know, Jen told me aye. Do you
think she’s telling the truth?
JAIME
Who, Emma?
SEAN
Aye. She’s winding things down then
you show up in a posh new car…
JAIME
Hmm. You staying for another?
SEAN
Nah, early start tomorrow.
INT. THE KING’S HEAD, UPSTAIRS – DAY
Jen is counting the till up. Jaime is talking to her.
JAIME
Mum, are you alright?
JEN
35, 40, 45, 50. Yes love fine why?
JAIME
Just with nan and I know you’re
arranging everything for the
funeral.
19.
20.
JEN
It’s been a bit stressful. As much
as I miss nan, she was very old
love. Are you ok? Have you been
over to see Emma yet?
JAIME
If you need a hand mum I’m always
around.
JEN
(stopping counting,
suddenly very serious)
Listen love. This new job is a
massive opportunity. You make sure
nothing gets in your way ok. I mean
it. Nothing.
They hug.
INT. EMMA’S FLAT – MORNING
Emma is in her uniform. Stood in the bathroom having just
done a pregnancy test. She puts the positive test in the
cabinet with the other positive tests.
INT. JAIME’S CAR – EARLY MORNING
Jaime is driving along a motorway. His phone is in a cradle
on the air vent.
A text from Emma flashes up ‘Are you coming round?’
INT. HEAD OFFICE – DAY
Jaime is working at a desk on a computer. Ian walks in.
IAN
You’re keen! Come on then.
INT. JAIME’S CAR – DAY
Jaime is driving. Ian is in the front seat holding a Krispy
creme box.
IAN
Tip no 1 always bring doughnuts to
nurse training. Are you excited?
JAIME
Yeah!
20.
21.
IAN
(shouting)
Are you going to smash it?
JAIME
Yeah!
Ian whacks the radio volume up.
INT. LECTURE HALL – DAY
Jaime stands wide-eyed and nervous in front of the room full
of NURSES about to deliver his first training session.
END
Tag:
INT. CHURCH HALL – DAY
Ian is at an AA meeting in an old church community hall. The
GROUP are sat in a semi circle on chairs.
IAN
My wife left me. She took the kids.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – EARLY MORNING
Jaime is just waking up. He’s on one side of the double bed,
the other side looks recently evacuated. The door is being
opened. Jaime looks bewildered. Gemma comes in with take away
coffees.
GEMMA
I guessed your order. See you
later.
Gemma walks out.
JAIME
(calls after her)
Thanks.
EXT. CLINIC – DAY
Emma is in the clinic car park crying in her car.
21.
22.
(CONT’D)

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